Men's Therapy Archives - Virtual Cognitive Behavioral Therapy

Performance Enhancement Gadgets & Gimmicks

As a sports psychologist who works with many tennis players and golfers in Boca Raton, Florida, I see and hear of lots of devices and strategies designed to improve performance. Typically advertisers find a well known celebrity or top athlete to promote their product to suggest it is the product that has helped them achieve their success and if you use the product it will help you as well!

As tennis champion Novak Djokovic has stormed into the spotlight; he is the latest to be drawn into the peak performance spot light. Last month, the attention was focused on his “secret gluten free diet”. This month the headlines in the Wall Street Journal is, “Novak Djokovic’s Secret: Sitting in a Pressured Egg”.

A company who sells the product for a smooth $75,000 claims that spending up to 20 minutes in the pod three times a week can boost athletic performance by improving circulation, boosting oxygen-rich red blood cells, removing lactic acid and other potential benefits. Djokovic gets to use the device for free and the company gets to use his quote, “I think it really helps – not with muscle but more with recovery after an exhausting set”.

A lot of the same claims can be made by having a massage – for around $75.

How to Select a Coach

As a sports psychologist who works with a lot of kids and parents I am often asked about how to pick a coach, when to change a coach and how to talk with coaches.

In team sports, it is the coach who selects the player. In individual sports, especially tennis and golf, it is the students and in most cases the parents who selects the coach. Since parents are investing time and money, they naturally are looking to see results. Unfortunately, parents are too eager to see results in terms of winning games and matches, rather than improvement in skills, attitudes and behaviors. At the youth level, it is often easy to produce wins early on. For example, in tennis, a player with a weak backhand may be taught to run around it and hit a forehand. This short term fix won’t last very long as better players will find the backhand anyway or hit rather easily to the open court on the next shot. Parents need to be patient and not switch coaches too quickly based largely on results.Over time, the athlete who patiently and systmatically works on improving their underling fundamentals will overcome the athlete who puts wins and results ahead of improvements. Consider these questions: Is your child enjoying the training? Has the coach outlined a specific developmental plan based on the needs, goals and abilities of you child? Does the plan and methods to achieve it make sense to you?

Sports parents need to keep in mind that to develop in a sport to compete effectively at a high level takes upwards of 10 years of training. So, it is most important to enjoy the journey!

Overcoming Tennis “Jitters”

Feeling nervous, to some extent is a normal and even a positive aspect as performing well. However, when nervousness escalates, performance declines. This is especially true in sports like tennis and golf, where optimal levels of arousal tend to be in the lower ranges.

Tennis “jitters” result in increased muscle tension, bad decisions and distractibility. Ultimately, this leads to increased errors and a greater number of lost points.

Nowhere is this more obvious than in a typical doubles match among intermediate level players, especially while serving in a critical point of a match.

As a “sports psychologist” and active competitive tennis player, it is easy to observe this. When the score is 40-30 and the server misses his or her first serve, the second serve is often just “lobbed in” to avoid the dreaded double fault. In reality, attempting to lob the ball in rather than attempting to hit a reasonable second serve with spin, pace and a margin for error, is probably no more reliable and results in the same amount of double faults. On top of that, a ball that lands short and softly allows the returner all the time in the world to place the ball wherever they want. In short, you end up losing the point anyway.

The cure for tennis jitters is to care less about making the mistake in the first place. Rather than worrying about the double fault, losing the point, caring what others may think, take a deep breath, visualize the second serve as being successful and just go for it! Whatever happens, happens.

When I work with my clients, whether face to face in my Boca Raton, Florida office or over the phone, I go into the process of effective coping in far greater detail and often teach and incorporate other strategies to overcome these and other long term negative habits.

The beauty of tennis is it is a game for life and you can improve some aspect of your play and performance throughout your playing career.

Anger Management for Men

In my psychotherapy practice I often see men who are referred to me by their wives or by therapists who are seeing couples and feel the “male” is in need of anger management.

Sometimes, the male is in complete agreement and at other times, they are reluctant participants. Using a cognitive behavioral approach to anger management, I explain that we have most control over our own behaviors and very little control over other’s behavior. We examine how anger is helpful or hurtful to them and their relationships and how they might want things to be different.

Often times my male clients blame their partner for their anger. “She makes me so mad when she…”. In the cognitive behavioral approach to anger management, I explain the ABC’s of Emotion, that is, it is not the ACTIVATING EVENT (A) that causes the anger ( C= emotional consequence) but the Belief (B) view he takes of it that causes his anger. By accepting responsibility for creating his own feelings, the client has begun the process of being able to manage them more effectively.

By working with male clients individually, I can help them to feel calmer, develop more control, tolerance and patience and get them ready to be able to focus on developing and improving communication skills, problem solving, negotiating skills etc. These are ways to modify partner behaviors in a healthy way and get more of what they want and less of what they don’t want.

In individual work with men on anger management, we get them to a place where they don’t lose their temper and can more effectively learn and use other skills to help in improving their relationship with their partner and others. Again, the emphasis is NOT on changing the other person but on changing ourselves. As this occurs, the door to relationship improvement is opened and new changes can be more easily introduced.

To help clients not only feel better but get better, I provide practical strategies, ideas and exercises for them to train with. Many of these are described in my brief, pocket-sized educational and self help guidebook, “Anger Management” available on the products side of my website (www.cognitivetherapy.cc).

Anger management for men based on a cognitive behavioral approach can be accomplished in a relatively short period of time if the male client is committed to self improvement and willing to learn and practice simple ideas, exercises and practices between weekly appointments. Many times clients have reported positive changes in their relationship even when their partner is not receiving their own therapy or they are not involved in couples therapy.

Dr. Robert Heller is based in Boca Raton, Florida.

Counseling for Men’s Issues

As more and more men are seeking psychological treatment for a wide range of male related issues, there seems to be less male therapists around to work with them. Over the past 20 years or so many more females than males have entered the psychology and related professions. Just as some females may be more comfortable in working with a female therapist, many men prefer working with a male, particularly when they are dealing with sensitive issues such as those related to sexual functioning.

In providing counseling for men’s issues for almost 40 years now, the range of problems men seek help for fall into several broad ranges:
1. Relationship issues can include sexual problems like pre-mature ejaculation and difficulty getting or maintaining an erection, difficulty meeting women and problems in making commitments to a relationship.

2. Because men tend to equate their job and career performance with their self worth, work-related stressors become more severe as men fear losing their job, struggle to find a job in a difficult market or worry what their significant other will think of them if they don’t keep up or get ahead.

3. Men tend to have problems in understanding, expressing and managing their emotions, especially anger. Counseling for men’s issues around anger is often initiated after the anger has caused a substantial problem in a relationship, job or gotten them in trouble with the legal system.

4. Alcohol and drug problems seen in men are often associated with efforts to control or manage their emotions.

5. In older men, issues arise over health problems, dealing with loss of function and limitations in their ability to engage in lifelong favorite hobbies and activities.

Having experienced some of these issues myself, in addition to relating as a male, I can identify with the pain and suffering other men have experienced.

The good news is that counseling for men’s issues can pay big dividends in learning to adjust and adapt to many of life’s most challenging problems. Increasingly, counseling is seen by many as a commitment to their mental and emotional growth and more and more males are seeking out counseling and psychological skills to enhance their performance and well-being .